“ACCEPT what you can’t change and CHANGE what you can’t accept”
This song says it all! The changes in my life happened over the course of maybe a month. The effects were devastating and paralyzing and then out of the blue- refreshing and beautiful!
I was officially stuck. Stuck in a pocket- an empty pocket with no hope for change. I believe the mind is a powerful tool that is one of our most powerful assets. Where the MIND goes- the MAN follows (Joyce Meyer). Where my mind was going, day after day, was NOT a good place. No matter how hard I tried to change my mind it just wasn’t happening. I could NOT accept the following: no matter what i thought, what i did, or how i reacted, the result was going to be exactly the same- especially when it came to the “J’s”. It was those damn “J’s” that broke my heart and spirit, and stole my zest for life… Jacqui, Joel, Johns Hopkins, Judi, and John, Jeff. The worst part? I accepted it for what it was and I allowed it to happen. Since about April 24, 2015, the day I got the worst news EVER!
“We regret to inform you that we cannot offer you the option of lung transplant surgery at this time.”
1) inconsistent adherence to medical recommendations. This includes but is not limited to adjustment of medications without informing your medical team, or refusal of recommended services.
2) Conflicting information regarding your health history and medical management. Discrepancies between provider reported and patient reported history and discrepancies within self reported history.
(Ive been seeing this transplant team and the same pulmonologist a couple times a year for 9 years and have EVERY document from EVERY appt. in a HUGE binder that goes with me everywhere).
The issues above put you at high risk for post-operative complications as well as poor life expectancy post transplant. At this time you are NOT A CANDIDATE but if you should overcome this issues outlined above we MAY reconsider transplant in the future. (6 months- October 2015)
This devastating news has turned my life upside down and no matter how hard I tried to get back into “Beast Mode”, nothing worked. I couldn’t talk myself back into the game and I couldn’t just reverse direction. My pockets were out of change and there was nothing but emptiness. I was in a dark, desperate, place that I had been many times before but this time was different. I didn’t WANT to go forward and dig my way out- i wanted to just quit. Yes, i said THAT word- QUIT….Hopeless. The only reason I am here to share this is because of this little guy right here.. Cooper Sebastian-Gross-Brown-Johnson-Dilley– Yes, he has a LONG heritage and thus a very long name. Something in those eyes staring up at me at exactly the right moment destroyed my plan.
I don’t know, maybe there’s a reason that “DOG” spelled backwards is “GOD”…..
Finally I had to accept what I couldn’t CHANGE and CHANGE what I could no longer accept. I had to identify exactly what it was that I could no longer accept and CHANGE it. I did exactly that and my life has been back to Beast Mode ever since. I accepted the “J’s” that I couldn’t change. I’m focusing on the J’s who enhance my life now.. Jenn & Joe Z, Jack, John, Jerome, Janice, JT (and Christine!), Jax next door, and Just about everyone who has helped me get through this difficult time in my life. I started a new semester of school and with the help of modern medicine I am gaining weight, able to focus, and the shades have been lifted. The fog is clearing and my spirit is calm.
Yes, like the song says, I was finally able to see what was holding me down, I see beyond the road I’m driving- far away and left behind, I’m much too strong not to compromise- I’ll turn it around, oh yes I will! I can finally see the dawn around me, the sun is shining and I’m on THAT road! Don’t look back a new day is breaking, It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way.
IT’S BEEN SOOOOO LONG SINCE I’VE FELT THIS WAY!
It’s not leaving the old behind, not looking in the rear view mirror, and it’s not about the new things filling a void to make things better. I feel as if I’ve been emptying my pocket change into a jar in the back of a closet for 9+ years. Although my pockets are empty at the end of the day the change in the jar is overflowing! I like where this is going! A few coins, one day at a time…. pocket change. Life is good! Now that I think about it, I have more “J’s” that make me smile than ones that make me sad. For that I am THANKFUL and because I am THANKFUL- life is much better.