… is defined as belief, confidence or trust in a person, object, religion, idea or view despite the absence of proof. Faith does not necessarily involve the abandonment of reason, but acknowledges more or less consciously the fact that a proof is not possible in a given context. Faith can show up as a simple tenor in a decision, as confident diligence or fanatic zealotry.
This is my friend Faith.. We met a month after she had her transplant on facebook completely and randomly but surely not by accident. Im not even sure how we became facebook friends but we are. She celebrated her 21st birthday as i was having my pre-transplant work-up last month. I was sipping “golytely” colonoscopy prep and she was having her first cocktail. I always tell her when she’s having faith-less moments that she wasn’t given that name by accident. She has been to hell and back. She is on the other side of hell now. Mine- mine hasn’t even started. I thought I was on my way.
I have to wait 6 more months to even be CONSIDERED to be on the transplant list. I can’t even get healthy enough to sleep in my own bed for 5 days at a time and now this? 9 years of being told your not sick enough, now i AM sick enough and they say im non-compliant. Ok, so this is my new normal? I work hard, i do the right things, i am proactive, and responsible.
Its never enough
Is it worth it?
My friends on the other side say so. Faith says so. But what about MY faith. Fake that till I make it or just believe?
I was believing for a miracle for little Miles. He died. I stopped asking for things and just started being grateful and giving. The answer is still NO. What exactly am I believing FOR? A miracle of my own? Is NOT wanting a transplant giving up on life or just living out the rest of your life as stress free as possible? Do i want to run, lift weights, go out and have fun? YES, do i want to spend another 9 years jumping through hoops to hear another NO? NO WAY. DO i want to spend the next 6 months jumping through MORE hoops?
I thought I had answered that question. I thought i had proven myself.
A Second place trophy- 1st place of all the losers. Thats what this feels like.